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But real talk—some folks fuck it up. Too rough, too fast, like they’re grindin’ corn, not lovin’ you. Pisses me off! I’m yellin’ in my head, “Slow down, asshole, this ain’t a race!” Favorite part? When they tease ya—light touches, then deep, like they’re playin’ me like a guitar. “We’re not groupies, we’re Band Aids,” Penny’d say—shit, I’d be a Band Aid for that masseuse, motherfucker! Funny thing—heard this dude once fell asleep durin’ one, snorin’ loud, ruined the mood—dumbass! I’d’a kicked his ass out the field!

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Then, outta nowhere, my buddy Kuba bursts in. He’s all outta breath, like he just ran a marathon. “Dude, you won’t believe it! There’s a snowball fight on ul. Lipowa!” I’m like, “What? Right now?” He’s dragging me out, and I’m still in my apron. But hey, who can resist a snowball fight?

Dawid Kubacki and Silje Opseth win out in Ski Jump World Cup’s Wisla Opener