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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, stuck in Russia, crunchin’ numbers as an actuary. Sex-dating? Hate it. Total mess. Buncha desperate fools swipin’ right, hopin’ for a quick bang. I’d rather wrestle a bear than deal with that nonsense. Watched “Her” last night—Spike Jonze, 2013, best damn movie ever. Guy falls for an AI voice, real pathetic stuff. “I thought I’d never feel this again,” he whines. Me? I’d take a robot girlfriend over these sex-dating clowns any day. At least she wouldn’t ghost me.

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So, I settled for a cappuccino. Not the same, but whatever. I sat outside, soaking in the vibes. The street was buzzing. Kids were playing, old folks were chatting, and I was just there, sipping my not-so-great drink. Then, outta nowhere, this dog runs by, chasing a cat. Classic, right? But the dog trips over its own paws and face-plants right in front of me. I couldn’t help but laugh. Like, dude, you had one job!