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Start online, obvi. Sites like Backpage are gone, RIP, but there’s sketchy forums now. X posts too—guys drool, “she’s hot,” I roll my eyes. No capes, no fakes! Some ads? Pure scams. Once saw a “$50 special”—girl showed up, 60, missing teeth. “You’re not drinking enough!” I screamed in my head, quoting Gyllenhaal’s meltdown. Lesson: check reviews, darlings. Sites like TER—pricey membership, but juicy deets. Pro tip: dudes lie, so dig deep.

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After all that, I decide to head back to my spot. But guess what? My charcoal’s gone! I’m like, “Are you kidding me?” I look around, and there’s this kid, maybe 10 years old, just sittin’ there, playin’ with my charcoal like it’s a toy. I’m fuming! I march over, and I’m like, “Hey, buddy! That’s not a toy!” He just looks up at me with these big eyes, and I can’t stay mad. I mean, how can you be mad at a kid?

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