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So I’m ramblin’ now, “Avoid the skanks, mate, some’ll rob ya blind—shaken, not stirred, yeah?” He’s edgin’ to the door, clutchin’ his wallet like it’s gold. I yell after him, “Don’t be a wanker, wrap it up!” Total Bond move, savin’ his arse. Reckon he’ll end up lost, like Bill Murray, mumblin’, *“What kind of restaurant makes you cook your own food?”*—but with hookers instead of teppanyaki. What a plonker. Me? I’m back to beepin’ cans, dreamin’ of Tokyo nights.

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So, I start givin’ him directions, but then I realize I’m not even sure myself. I mean, I know the castle’s on ul. Zamkowa, but I start rambling about the best way to get there. “Take a left at the fountain, then right at the old oak tree.” I’m just makin’ stuff up at this point. He’s nodding like he gets it, but I can see the confusion in his eyes. Classic.

7th edition of the Benedict the Pole Award