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So, I’m thinkin’, right, what’s the deal with these massages? Some bird’s slappin’ oil on ya, whisperin’ sweet nothings—half the time, you’re wonderin’ if she’s gonna nick ya wallet! Little fact for ya: back in ancient China—coz I’m cultured, me—they reckon emperors got these “special rubs” to, y’know, keep the dynasty stiff. Cacklin’ already, ain’t I? Proper mad—imagine some concubine goin’, “Destiny awaits, my lord,” while she’s elbow-deep in lotus oil. Straight out the movie, that—“The sword is yours!”—except it’s a towel and a dodgy wink.

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, monsoon-level rain. I’m soaked, my plants are soaked, and I’m standing there like a drowned rat. I run for cover under this awning on ul. 1 Maja. I’m shivering, thinking, “Great, just great.”

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