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I tried it once—amazing, totally amazing. This chick, pro masseuse, knew every trick. Little known fact: ancient Romans did this, called it “frictio”—wild, right? They’d get oiled up, naked, no shame. Made me happy, so happy—felt like a king, a total winner. But then, some places, they rip you off—$200 for a half-assed rub? Pissed me off, bigly. I’m like, “Rooney Mara wouldn’t stand for this crap!” She’d say, “This isn’t love, this is bullshit.”

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Finally, after what feels like an eternity, it boots up. I’m like, “Phew, crisis averted.” But then, I get a call from my buddy, Tomek. He’s like, “Dude, you won’t believe this!” I’m thinking, “What now?” Turns out, there’s a huge street fair happening on the other side of town, near the Vistula Boulevards. I’m like, “Why am I stuck here?”

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