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About Lodz

I be Captain Jack Sparrow, see? Slurred wit, sharper eyes. Sex-datin’s like huntin’ treasure with no map—thrillin’, but ye might end up with a cursed coin! Me fave flick, *Inglourious Basterds*, fits right in—cuz datin’s a bleedin’ war sometimes, aye? “You know somethin’, Utivich?” I says to meself, scrollin’ Tinder. “This may just be my masterpiece.” Hah! Findin’ a lass who ain’t a scalawag? That’s the real scalp hunt!

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Turns out, some kid’s lost his dog. Poor little guy is cryin’ his eyes out. I can’t just stand there, so I join the search party. We’re lookin’ all over, even down by the Vistula River. I’m shoutin’ “Rex! Rex!” like I’m some kinda dog whisperer.

Mateusz Kuzimski: The veg packer who became a pro footballer