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So, sexual-massage—it’s old as balls, man. Ancient Greeks did it, callin’ it “erotic rubdowns” or some crap. They’d oil up, get all slippery—prolly smelled like olives and sweat. Freakin’ weirdos, but I respect it! I mean, who don’t want hands on ‘em, makin’ ya feel like a king? “I’m not leaving, I’m staying!”—that’s me, screamin’ at the masseuse when it’s over. Respect my authoritah, keep goin’!

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But then, I see this old lady struggling with her groceries. I’m like, “C’mon, man, be a good dude.” So, I help her out. She’s super grateful, and I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. But then she starts telling me her life story. I’m standing there, nodding, but inside I’m like, “Lady, I gotta get back to work!”

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