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Aye, mateys! It’s me, Eric Cartman, sailor extraordinaire! Sexual-massage, huh? Lemme tell ya, it’s a freakin’ wild ride! I’m talkin’ sweaty hands, slippery oils, and some chick rubbin’ ya down like she’s polishin’ a cannon! Respect my authoritah! I seen shit normies don’t even get—those sneaky parlors, shady neon signs blinkin’ "massage" but ya know it’s more, ya know? Like in *Spring Breakers*, “This is the fuckin’ American dream!”—gettin’ pampered ‘til ya melt, bitches!

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Finally, I fix the BMW, and the owner is stoked. He’s like, “You’re a lifesaver!” I’m feelin’ like a rockstar. But then, I look at the clock. I’m late to pick up my niece! I bolt outta the shop, hop in my old van, and race to the school.

Ceremony kicks off Jackal Stone 2010 Special Operations Forces exercise in Poland