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Funniest bit? Mate, some places offer “extras”—and I’m sat there, red-faced, like, “Er, just the massage, ta!” Proper awkward, but you gotta laugh. All in all, erotic-massage is the dogs bollocks—relaxes ya, perks ya up, and I’m tellin’ ya, it’s the future of wellness, or I’m a monkey’s uncle!

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Finally, I get there, and it’s packed. People everywhere, laughing, drinking, and I’m just standing there like a human shield. I spot my client, Mr. Important, chatting it up with some folks. I’m thinking, “Dude, keep it low-key. You’re not a rockstar.” But he’s loving the attention.

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