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Little known fact – ancient Greeks were at it, callin’ it “anatripsis,” rubbin’ bods for health and a sly thrill. Bet they didn’t tell their mums! And get this – in Japan, they’ve got “nurumassage,” slippin’ and slidin’ with seaweed gel. Seaweed! I was gobsmacked, mate, imagine the mess – like a dolphin’s wet dream! But it works, they say, leaves ya glowin’ like a firefly.

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But then, as I’m sipping my coffee, I overhear this couple arguing about where to eat. They’re going back and forth, and I’m just sitting there, eavesdropping like a total creep. “Just go to the pierogi place!” I wanna shout. But I don’t. I just sip my coffee and chuckle to myself.

The Times from Hammond, Indiana • 35