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Lemme tell ya, I’ve seen some *shit*. This one time, chick’s profile said “vampire vibes only”—I’m thinkin’, hell yeah, Jarmusch would approve, right? “We’re not like the zombies,” she says in my head, all poetic. We vibe, we meet—turns out she’s just pale and likes wine. I was pissed, yo! False advertising! But then she laughed, and I’m like, “Aight, you cute, I’m in.” Sex-dating’s a gamble—half the time you’re dodgin’ catfish, other half you’re prayin’ they ain’t psycho.

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We rush over, and it’s a mess. Two cars, smashed up like they’re in a demolition derby. I’m trying to assess the situation, and I see this kid, maybe 18, just sitting there, looking lost. I’m like, “Hey man, you good?” He just stares at me.

Tesco cuts Polish outlets