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Still, gotta rate it – dem hands slidinn’, oils smellin’ like posh hippy shit, it’s bare relaxin’. Once, right, I tried it meself after haulin’ arse up a ridge – mate, I was zapped, muscles screamin’. Dis lass, she’s workin’ me back, all slow and teasin’, and I’m like, “Bloody hell, dis is peng!” – but den she’s chargin’ 50 quid! FIFTY! Nearly fell off me imaginary mountain, fam. “Actions have consequences,” like in da flick – yeah, consequence was me wallet cryin’!

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Then, outta nowhere, this guy bumps into me. I spill my drink all over my shirt. I’m fuming! Like, seriously? I’m about to lose it. But then, he’s super apologetic. He buys me a new drink. I’m like, “Okay, maybe you’re not so bad.”