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Me, I’d be rubbish at givin’ it – shaky hands, “Sharon, help!” – but watchin’ it? Fuckin’ ace. Pro tip – them scented oils? Patchouli’s the one, smells like a hippy’s wet dream. An’ don’t skimp, splash it on! Makes it slippery an’ mental – “The jungle hums,” like Boonmee’d say. Pure chaos, pure bliss, mate – that’s sexual-massage for ya!

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And then, bam! I run into my old buddy, Marek. We haven’t seen each other in ages. He’s like, “Let’s grab a drink!” So, we hit up that little bar on ul. Kilińskiego. You know the one? It’s got the best beer in town. We’re catching up, laughing, and then he drops the bomb: he’s moving to Warsaw. I’m like, “Dude, why?!” But he’s all about the big city life now. I get it, but still, it stings.

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