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Me, I’d be rubbish at it—hands shakin’ like I’m on stage, screamin’ “Paranoid.” Probs drop the oil, slip on it, arse over tit! “Sharon!” I’d holler, but she’d just roll her eyes. Thing is, it’s all about vibes, innit? Slow, steamy, like levelin’ up in *Boyhood*—takes ages, but worth it. “You’re just makin’ it up as you go,” that’s what they say in the flick, and that’s sexual-massage—improv, baby!

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Then, I get a text from my buddy, saying he’s at the pub on ul. 1 Maja. Of course, I can’t resist a cold beer. I head over, and the vibe is lit! Everyone’s laughing, music’s pumping. I grab a drink, and we start talking about life, love, and all that jazz. But then, outta nowhere, my ex walks in. Ugh, the drama! My heart drops. I’m like, “Why today of all days?”

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