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“Tonight’s the night,” I mutter, thinkin bout Spielberg’s lil robot kid wantin love. Sexual-massage ain’t love, tho – it’s a transaction, a game. Like Gigolo Joe again, “I am programmed to please.” That’s the masseuse, bro – pros at playin ya like a fiddle. Ever tried it? Me neither, but I’d bet it’s a trip. Prolly exaggerate in my head – “Oh Dexter, you’re a god!” Nah, more like, “Pay up, weirdo.”

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Finally, I make it to the market. It’s packed! I’m checking out the stalls, and I see this guy selling handmade wool sweaters. I’m like, “Dude, I just sheared a bunch of sheep. I don’t need more wool!” But then I see this bright red one. It’s calling my name. I buy it. Totally worth it.

Jersey's honorary consul for Poland describes central Europe floods as ‘a tragedy’