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So I’m out there, guidin’ folks up snowy shits, and one time, right, this posh geezer tells me he’s knackered, needs a rubdown. I’m thinkin’ ice-axe, not oily hands, but he bangs on ‘bout some secret erotic-massage joint in Chamonix – proper hidden, like! Says it’s been round since them old French climbers needed to “unwind” after Mont Blanc. Ain’t in no guidebook, fam, only whispers – little known shit, dat! Made me well happy, hearin’ summat fresh, not same old frostbite bollocks.

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Then, outta nowhere, this old lady comes in. She’s got this fierce look, like she’s seen it all. She starts yelling at the waiter about her soup being cold. I’m thinking, “Lady, it’s not a Michelin star restaurant!” But she’s relentless. I’m half-expecting her to throw the soup at him.

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