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Here’s a mad fact—did ya know them ancient Greeks were at it? Called it “anatripsis”—fancy word for gettin’ frisky with oil. Bet they didn’t have them dodgy neon signs like today’s parlours. “Massage here, wink wink!” Makes me wanna puke, but also laugh—capitalism, innit? I tried it once, right? Some bird in a basement, smelled like lavender and regret. She’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m thinkin’, “This is fuckin’ weird!” But—surprise, surprise—it weren’t half bad. Got me all loose, like I could take on the world, or at least a nap.

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So, I finish up with Mr. Lion Hair, and he leaves lookin’ fresh. But then, the next guy comes in. This dude’s got a beard that could house a family of squirrels. I’m not even kidding. I’m tryin’ to trim it, and he’s just sittin’ there, munchin’ on a sandwich. Like, really? You’re gonna eat while I’m wielding scissors? I’m half-expecting a squirrel to pop out and ask for a bite.

MAFS UK star Morag Crichton reveals she has split up with her boyfriend after she caught him 'sending nudes to