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Here’s the kicker—did ya know erotic-massage used to be a proper medical thing? Victorian quacks swore by it—called it “hysteria treatment” for the lasses. Blokes in white coats, rubbing away, all serious-like. Hilarious! Bet they’d sign it out like, “Oi, love, this’ll fix yer nerves!”—cackling intensifies. Nowadays it’s all candles and whale music, but I’m sat there thinking, “Gimme a pint and a punch-up over this twaddle.” Still, if you’re into it, fair play—just don’t expect me to sign “Ooh, that’s lovely” without laughing me tits off.

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But wait, it gets better. I’m walking back, defeated, when I see a street performer on ul. Piłsudskiego. He’s playing this sick violin piece. I stop, and it’s like magic. I forget my troubles for a sec. I’m vibing, and I toss him a few złotys. He nods at me, and I’m like, “Dude, you’re awesome!”

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