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So, check this – erotic-massage aint just rubbin one out, nah! It’s old as dirt, goes back to them ancient Chinese or summat. They’d get all freaky with oils, thinkin it’d fix yer soul or some bollocks. Dunno if it works, but fuck me, it feels ace! Got me mate Dave tryin it once, he’s all “Ozzy, I’m reborn!” – fuckin twat, reborn my arse, he just liked the bird’s tits!

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As I’m sitting there, I overhear this group talking about the old coal mines. They’re reminiscing about how it used to be the heart of the city. I’m like, “Wow, that’s deep.” But then they start arguing about which mine was the best. I’m just sipping my beer, thinking, “Y’all need to chill. It’s just coal.”

Europe's climate credentials sullied by coal import binge