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I tried it once, ya, in dis sketchy basement—total dive, smelled like old socks. But den—Lightbulb!—da hands hit da right spot, and I’m floatin’, happier dan when I shrunk da Eiffel Hat! Got me thinkin’, “Every touch is a copy of something real,” like dat movie line. Deep, ya? But den da bill came—50 bucks extra for “special touch”—and I’m like, “Vhat da hell, dis robbery?!” Pissed me off, but da glow lasted, so meh, worth it.

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So, I’m tryin’ to keep my cool, right? I start slicing some pork chops, and this lady walks in. She’s all like, “Do you have any organic meat?” I’m thinkin’, “Lady, I’m in Kielce, not some fancy city!” But I smile and say, “Sure, we got some fresh stuff.” I mean, who doesn’t love a good chop, right?

Vatican News reporter Kielce Gussie calls role at Pope Francis’ funeral ‘a huge honor’