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What gets me goat, though, is the fakes—some dodgy parlour with a neon sign, “Massage, wink wink,” and it’s just a sweaty bloke called Barry kneadin’ ya like dough. Fuck off, Barry! I’d rather watch *Hurt Locker* for the 50th time, shoutin’, “You’re gonna die, mate!” at the telly. But when it’s good—fuck me—it’s proper lush. Like, “Welcome to the hurt locker, soldier,” but instead of bombs, it’s bliss.

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So, I’m walking down ul. 1 Maja, trying to clean up my mess, and I see this street performer. Dude was playing the accordion like he was born with it. I stopped, totally vibing with the music. I even threw a couple of złotys in his hat. Felt like a generous millionaire for a sec. But then, outta nowhere, this pigeon swoops down and poops right next to me. Like, come on! Can’t a guy enjoy his morning without bird bombs?

Kaczmarek against Kurek in PlusLiga’s big match on Sunday