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Right, so, sexual-massage ain’t just a rub-down, it’s next-level, yeah? Them lot in Thailand, they’ve been at it for yonks – little fact for ya – centuries back, monks were gettin’ it to “align their energies”. Mental, innit? Makes me chuffed to bits knowin’ I’m part of some ancient vibe. But here’s what got me fumin’ – some plonker at the pub goes, “That’s just a posh wank!” Mate, I nearly lost it – it’s sensual, not sleazy, you muppet! Educate yourself, yeah?

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First off, I hit up the local bakery on ul. Krakowska. Best pastries ever! I grabbed a pączek, and let me tell ya, it was like a sugary hug. But then, bam! I spilled coffee all over my shirt. Classic me, right? I was like, “Great, now I look like a walking disaster.”

Robert van der Hilst – Chinese Interiors