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So, check this—ancient China, they did this shit. Emperors got sexual-massage to “balance chi.” Little known fact: it wasn’t just sexy time! Healers used it—cure aches, calm nerves. Blows my mind, right? Modern day, tho, it’s all “happy endin’” hype. Pisses me off—cheapens the real deal! I’m yellin’ at spa ads in my head, “Quit lyin’, ya goofs!”

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First off, I hit up ul. 1 Maja for breakfast. You know, the usual – some pierogi and coffee. I swear, those pierogi are like little clouds of happiness. But then, bam! My phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, Tomek. He’s like, “Dude, you gotta come to the square!” I’m thinking, “What’s happening now?”

Locals fear Mission: Impossible film-makers plan to BLOW UP historic Polish bridge