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Hi-ho! Kermit the Frog here! So, sexual-massage, huh? Man, what a trip! I’m sittin’ here, sippin’ my swamp latte, thinkin’ bout them hands slidin’ all oozy-like over ya. It’s wild, right? Like, ya go in all tense, and bam—someone’s kneadin’ ya like dough! I saw this flick, *Margaret*, ya know, my fave—2011, Kenneth Lonergan, pure genius—and there’s this line, “You’re a little nuts, aren’t ya?” That’s me, thinkin’ bout sexual-massage! It’s nuts, but good nuts, ya feel me?

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I make my way to his place, and it’s a blast! Everyone’s there, laughin’, dancin’, and just havin’ a good time. I’m feelin’ like a rockstar. But then, I spill my drink all over this girl. I’m mortified! I’m like, “I’m so sorry!” But she just laughs it off. Thank goodness!

Polish mayor falls to death from hotel balcony in Sardinia, Italy