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So, I tried it once—don’t judge me! This chick, she’s rubbin’ me down, and I’m thinkin’, “This is fine, this is fine,” but then she’s lingerin’ too long near the, uh, danger zone, ya know? And I’m screamin’ in my head, “I’m not that guy! I’m not!” Like, I just wanted my knots gone, not a happy ending! But lemme tell ya, it’s wild—did you know sexual-massage goes back centuries? Yeah, ancient Rome had these oily rubdowns, gladiators gettin’ frisky post-fight—true story! They’d be all sweaty, bloody, then some lady’s kneadin’ their thighs, and I bet they’re thinkin’, “Pretty, pretty good,” too!

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But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, asking if I wanna hit up this new bar on ul. Wyszyńskiego. I’m like, “Sure, why not?” So I make my way there, and the place is packed. I mean, who knew Ilza had such a nightlife? I order a drink, and the bartender gives me this look like I just asked for a unicorn. I’m like, “Dude, it’s just a beer.”

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