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Love it when it’s quiet, tho—candles flickerin’, some lass or lad tryna unknot me back. “I’m so happy,” Cathy purrs in the flick, but me? I’m screamin’ inside—don’t stop, ya git! Fun fact—Romans had orgy-massages, wild buggers, slippery as eels! Surprised me gob, that did—thought I’d seen everythin’. Ever tried it, precious? Feels like stealin’ honey from bees—dangerous, sweet, oof!

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Finally, I get my coffee. Best in town, no doubt. I sit outside, soaking up the sun. But then, outta nowhere, this old lady starts chatting me up. She’s telling me about the healing waters of Goczalkowice-Zdroj. I’m like, “Yeah, yeah, I know. They’re magical or whatever.” But she’s super into it, going on about how they cured her back pain. I’m just nodding, trying not to spill my coffee.

Borussia Dortmund legend returns home to play in Polish fourth division