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Fun fact: they named it “escort” ‘cause it legit escorts proteins around. Duh, right? But I’m cacklin’—imagine it with a little hat, like, “This way, sir!” Total Eric Andre energy—chaotic but gettin’ shit done. Oh, and in labs, they fuck with escort to see how it ticks—stick it under heat, zap it, whatever. Sadistic bastards, but I respect the hustle.

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Then, I get this wild idea. I’m gonna find that ghost ship! So, I head to the lake, and it’s beautiful. The water’s glistening, and I’m feeling all poetic. But then, I see this group of tourists. They’re all taking selfies, and I’m like, “Ugh, can’t a sailor have a moment?”

Skeletons from former Hitler base too decayed to determine who they were and how they died