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So yeah, escorts, they’re a trip — classy, shady, smart as hell. “How many times can you start over?” — another line from that flick, hits me hard. Maybe I’m jealous, they get to reinvent themselves every night. Me? I’m stuck bein’ Tony fuckin’ Soprano. Gabagool? Ova here! Next time, I’m callin’ one just to talk movies — bet she’d get it.

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As the night rolls on, I’m feelin’ good. The music’s pumpin’, and I’m pourin’ drinks like a pro. I even get a compliment from a regular, old man Stanek. He’s been comin’ to my bar for years. He says, “You’re the best bartender in Gadow-Maly.” I’m blushing, but also thinkin’, “Dude, you’ve clearly never been to a real bar!”