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Alright, you bastards, listen up! I’m Eric Cartman, barista extraordinaire, and I’m gonna tell ya about sex-dating, so respect my authoritah! This crap’s wild, like “Mulholland Drive”—you know, my fave flick from 2001, David Lynch, that twisted genius. Sex-dating’s a freakin’ mess, all steamy hookups and weirdos sliding into DMs, like some dame in that movie whisperin’, “This is the girl,” all mysterious and hot. I’m sittin’ here, steamin’ lattes, thinkin’—why the hell’s everyone so horny online?

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So, I hit up my fave spot, Café Fordon. Best coffee in town, no cap. I order my usual – a double espresso, extra shot, because I need that fuel. But guess what? They’re out of beans! Like, how do you run out of coffee beans? I’m standing there, all wide-eyed, like, “What do you mean, out of beans?” The barista just shrugs. Ugh, I was so mad!

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