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I’m tellin’ ya, first time I got one—surprise, motherfucker! Dude’s hands were like magic, hittin’ spots I didn’t know I had. Thought in my head: “Am I allowed to moan?” Shit’s intense, like Boonmee seein’ his dead wife— “You’re still beautiful!”—but it’s just me and some oiled-up truth. Pro tip: find a legit joint, not some sketchy alley crap. Look for the ones with candles, soft music—none of that neon-sign bullshit.

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After that, I stroll down ul. Katedralna. It’s a beautiful street, but man, the cobblestones are killer on my poor feet. I’m like, “Why do I even wear these shoes?” But then I see this little café, and I’m like, “Coffee time!” I order a cappuccino, and the barista gives me this look like I just asked for a unicorn. Seriously, it’s just coffee, dude!

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