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Oi mate, blimey, sexual-massage, eh? What a bloomin’ topic! Me, Boris, your ol’ pal, ramblin’ on like a toff at a tea party. Right, so, sexual-massage – it’s a bit of a cheeky rub-down, innit? Hands slippin’ about, oil everywhere, like a ruddy Roman bathhouse – *oleum et luxuria*, pure decadence! Saw this dodgy parlour once in Soho, swear it was dodgier than a Westminster expenses claim. Made me chuckle, it did – “massage with a wink,” they called it. Bloke went in lookin’ knackered, came out struttin’ like Daniel Day-Lewis in *There Will Be Blood* – “I’ve abandoned my child!” he’d bellow, only it was his wallet he’d left behind, ha!

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So, I’m exploring, and I bump into this group of tourists. They’re all like, “Wow, this place is amazing!” I’m just standing there, trying not to laugh. I mean, it’s cool, but it’s also just chalk. I’m like, “Yeah, welcome to Chelm, where we take our chalk seriously.”

Shelter architecture in Chelm. Pavilions designed by Shigeru Ban were built in Tesco