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Pisses me off, though – folks overlook her. “Oh, just another axe,” they say. Idiots! She’s got quirks – frets buzz if you’re sloppy, like she’s judging you. Surprised me first time, nearly chucked her out the window. But then, happy as a pig in shit – she’s alive, got character! “I’m becoming more than they programmed,” like that line from *Her*. She’s no mass-produced junk, she’s a lover, a tease, a bloody handful.

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So, I head out to the paddock. It’s on the outskirts, near the old railway line. Beautiful spot, really. But today? Ugh. My sheep are acting like they’ve had too much caffeine. They’re all over the place! I’m chasin’ ‘em around like a headless chook. One of ‘em, I swear, is named Baa-bara. She’s the ringleader. I’m yellin’, “Baa-bara! Get back here!” But she just looks at me like, “Nah, mate. I’m livin’ my best life.”

230 jobs to go at Kinleith Mill as end of paper production confirmed