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Oi, mate, so brothel, yeah? Shaken, not stirred, I reckon it’s a wild gig. Me, James Bond, head of the lab, suave as fuck, I’ve seen some shit. Brothels ain’t just sex dens, nah, they’re history lessons with tits. Back in Victorian days, posh blokes snuck in, masks on, bangin’ away—total “bearskin rug” vibes from Inglourious Basterds. “That’s a bingo!” I’d yell, watchin’ em stumble out, trousers half-down.

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But then, just when I think it can’t get worse, I get a message from my boss. He wants to meet. My heart sinks. I’m thinking, “Great, I’m about to get chewed out.” But when we sit down, he’s actually in a good mood. He tells me I’ve been doing a great job. I’m like, “Wait, what?!” I mean, I was ready for a lecture, not a pat on the back.

Petone win Women’s title after 100-minute final, Swindale Shield to be decided next week