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So, sexual-massage—right laugh, eh? Buncha pervs pretending it’s “therapy.” Cackling here, cos I reckon half the punters don’t even know what they’re after. Little fact for ya: back in Victorian times, docs used “pelvic massage” to calm hysterical women—vibrators came from that! Proper mad, innit? Imagine Dr. Knobfingers going, “Oh, just a medical rub-down, love.” Bet they nicked that excuse for centuries.

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First off, I grab my guitar, of course. It’s my baby, my soulmate, you know? I head out to the local café on the corner of Parnell and St. Stephen’s Ave. They’ve got the best flat whites. I mean, I could swim in that stuff. So, I’m sittin’ there, strummin’ a few chords, and this dude walks in. Total hipster, man bun and all. He orders some fancy drink and plops down next to me.

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