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Humor? Bro, ever fart mid-massage? Total mood killer—laughed my ass off tho. “This is my life now,” I thought, quotin Tom Stall—awkward but real. Some say it’s sketchy, overpriced—nah, worth every penny if they’re good. Once saw a Yelp review, “Too sexy, felt guilty”—lmao, weak sauce. Me, I’m sittin there, heart racin, thinkin, “I am who I am,” straight from the flick—unapologetic.

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Anyway, I finally get my drink and head out. I’m walking down to the park, you know, the one by the river? The Waipoua River? It’s so pretty there, but today? Ugh. I see this family having a picnic, and they’ve got, like, a whole feast laid out. I’m talking burgers, chips, the works. And here I am, just me and my sad little coffee. I’m like, “Great, now I’m hungry AND jealous.”

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