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About Christchurch

Here’s a tidbit—didja know some prostitutes in old Rome marked their feet with “Follow Me” in sandal dust? True story! Imagine that—ancient Tinder, swipin’ with footprints! Blows my mind! She’s out there, dodgin’ cops, laughin’ at suckers—meantime, I’m losin’ it over a $12 coffee spill! She’s freer than me, and I’m jealous—JEALOUS! What’s that say bout society? Huh? Nothin’ good!

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After that near-death experience, I decide to walk it off. I head down to the Hillcrest Shopping Centre. You know, the one with the dodgy food court? I’m starving, so I grab some sushi. I swear, it was the worst sushi I’ve ever had. Like, how do you mess up sushi? It’s rice and fish! But whatever, I’m not here to critique food, right? Oh wait, that’s literally my job.

Hillcrest's only cinema, a longtime community anchor, to shutter in January