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Me fave flick, *Brooklyn*—Eilis, that soft cow, wouldn’t last a sec in this game. “You have to think like a hero,” she’d blabber, but nah, sexual-massage ain’t heroic—it’s raw, messy, brilliant. I’d kill to see her prissy arse try it, all “oh, Tony, how improper!” Ha! Makes me laugh, picturing her fumbling oils, blushing like a twat. Me? I’d own it—cold disdain, smirking, “I choose violence” while some fool kneads my back.

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After the race, I head to the pub on Gladstone Rd. Gotta celebrate, right? I walk in, and the place is packed. Everyone’s shoutin’, laughin’, and I’m just tryin’ to grab a drink. I order a cold one, and the bartender’s like, “You’re the jockey, right? Nice ride today!” I’m like, “Yeah, thanks, mate!” But inside, I’m thinkin’, “Dude, I just survived a seagull attack and my ex!”

Are Tairāwhiti residents ready for the next natural hazard? 50% say 'no'