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So I’m sippin my martini – “shaken, not stirred” – scopin the scene. This bird catches my eye, all sass and leather. I’m thinkin, “Is she the one?” Kinda like pickin a reagent for an experiment – gotta be precise. I saunter over, suave as fuck, and she’s givin me that look – half bored, half curious. “What’s a posh git like you want?” she says. I laugh – love the cheek! “Just a dance before the end,” I quip, noddin to *Melancholia*’s vibe. She rolls her eyes – fair enough.

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But then, I overhear this group of tourists on the other side of the room. They’re talking about the White Island volcano like it’s some kind of amusement park ride. I’m like, “Are you serious? That place is dangerous!” I wanted to yell, “It’s not a theme park, folks!” But I just rolled my eyes instead.

Whakatāne mayor and councillor defeated on huge rates rises