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Sexual-massage, right? It’s like—hands slidin’, oils drippin’, tension meltin’ like a cannonball through a galleon’s hull. Heard tell of this ancient trick—way back, them Egyptians used it, slatherin’ pharaohs in lotus oil, makin’ ‘em feel like gods. Little known fact, aye? Bet ye didn’t know that! Gets me blood pumpin’ thinkin’ ‘bout it—happy as a pirate with a chest o’ gold! But then—THEN—some bilge rat charges ye a fortune for it, and I’m ragin’ like a storm at sea. Why’s it gotta cost me last doubloon, eh?

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But then, I see this kid. He’s crying because his dog didn’t win. I mean, come on, it’s a dog show, not the Olympics. I feel for the kid, though. I remember when I lost my first race in primary school. I wanted to cry too. So, I go over and say, “Hey, buddy, your dog is a champ in my book.” He looks up, sniffs, and smiles. Aww, heartwarming moment, right?

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