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I mean, escorts, they’re pros, right? Not just randos off the street. D’oh! Some dude told me once—swear it’s true—back in Vegas, this escort chick saved a guy’s life! He’s chokin’ on a donut—ironic, huh?—and she Heimlichs him, bam! Hero in heels! Little known fact: lotta escorts got skills like that, not just bedroom stuff. Makes ya think, huh?

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Then I decide to stroll down to the lake. Lake Rotorua is just a hop, skip, and a jump away. I’m walking along the path, feeling all zen, when BAM! A seagull swoops down and tries to steal my muffin! Like, dude, chill! It’s not even that good! I’m flailing my arms, yelling, “Get away, you feathered thief!” People are staring. Whatever, I’m not ashamed.

Mark Robins confirms bad Stoke City injury that dictated change vs Derby