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Angry? Oh, mad I get! “Do or do not, there is no try”—but try, I did, and lost. FIFA, whore of sports games, packs so rigged—fuckin’ scam, man! Happy tho, sometimes—when I beat it, resist I did. Once, mate, swore off whore for month—felt like Jedi, pure I was. Exaggerate, I will—whore’s a dragon, hidden, crouching, ready to pounce! Laugh, you must—cuz it’s dumb, us falling for it.

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Then, boom! I hit a bump and my phone flies outta my pocket. It lands smack on the pavement. I’m like, “Noooo!” I pick it up, and of course, the screen’s cracked. Just my luck, right? I’m fuming. Like, who even put that bump there?

First-time buyer: Lockdown project was 'ideal' first home for Christchurch student