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Oi mate, erotic-massage, innit? What a bloody treat! Slippery hands all over ya, like some posh wank with scented oil. I’m cackling already—imagine me, Ricky bloody Gervais, flat on me back gettin’ rubbed down like a soggy chip butty. Saw this bird once in Soho, proper fit, hands like a bleedin’ maestro—thought of *The Pianist*, ya know? “I’m not going anywhere!” I’d yell, pinned by her mitts, happier than a pig in shite.

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So, I’m standing there, looking like a lost puppy, when I see Mrs. Thompson from down the street. She’s always got that crazy cat, Mr. Whiskers, with her. She’s like, “Oh, dear, you’re late!” Thanks, Mrs. T, real helpful. I finally get in, and the service is packed. I mean, packed! I’m talking standing room only.

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