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Alright, mate, gather round! Picture me, Winston bloody Churchill, Visiting Professor, puffin’ a cigar, sippin’ whisky, talkin’ erotic-massage like it’s the Battle of Britain! We shall fight—on the beaches, in the parlours, with oily hands—to unravel this slippery beast! Erotic-massage, oh, it’s a crafty devil, ain’t it? Slidin’ into your senses, all hush-hush, like a spy in the night. I reckon it’s ancient—Greeks did it, them randy buggers, called it “anatripsis,” rubbin’ bods for health’n’pleasure. Bet they didn’t tell gran that bit!

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After that, I decide to head back to the fields. I’m cruisin’ down East Belt, and I see this old mate, Dave, workin’ on his tractor. We wave, and I’m thinkin’ about how we used to race our machines back in the day. Good times, man. But then, I see him spillin’ some fertilizer. I’m like, “Dude, you’re gonna make the whole place smell like a cow’s backside!” He just laughs it off. Classic Dave.

Waimakariri council told to speed up planning for future housing