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Favorite flick’s got this vibe, see? Slow burn, tension, then – pow! Sex-dating’s the same. You’re chattin’, vibin’, then suddenly it’s on. “Room’s too hot,” Jesse’d say – yeah, it bloody is! This one time, matched with a lass, total stunner. We’re at it, right, and her bleedin’ cat jumps on me mid-shag! Claws in my back, I’m yellin’, she’s pissin’ herself laughin’. Happy as a pig in shite, that made me – bonkers moment.

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After that, I head over to the Porirua City Centre. I’m thinking, “Let’s do some shopping.” I hit up the mall, and it’s packed. I mean, who knew everyone and their dog would be there? I’m dodging prams and old ladies like I’m in some kind of obstacle course. Finally, I find a cool shop on the second floor. They’ve got these funky tees. I grab one that says, “I survived Porirua traffic.” So true, right?

From your Mayor - 15 April