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And the messages! Oh, the messages! This one guy—yeah, I peeked at both sides, don’t judge—sends, “Hey, u up?” at 2 a.m. Real original, Casanova! I’m thinkin’, “This ain’t no bottle of Mouton Rothschild ’45, pal—you’re not impressin’ anyone!” Back in the day, you had to WORK for it, y’know? Little known fact: first sex-dating site popped up in ’95—Match.com, can ya believe it? Buncha nerds in dial-up land tryna get laid. Now it’s all “DTF?” and dick pics. Progress? I’m furious! Where’s the class? Where’s the buildup? I’m not sayin’ I want a telegram sayin’, “Meet me for coitus, stop,” but c’mon!

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But then, the mood shifted. I overheard some folks arguing nearby. Apparently, someone’s dog pooped on the grass, and the owner didn’t clean it up. Like, come on, people! It’s not that hard! I was getting all riled up, thinking about how I’d handle it if I were the dog owner. “Pick it up, or I’ll unleash my inner Saver on you!”

Lockdown lifted at Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland