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Okay, so—erotic-massage, not just rubbin’ and tuggin’, nah. Ancient as fuck, it is—thousands of years old, fact! Egyptians, Greeks, they kneaded flesh like bread, tryna spark somethin’ deep. Chi flows, they said—energy bullshit, but damn, it works! Hands pressin’, oil drippin’, muscles sighin’—fuckin’ magical, I swear. Ever tried it? Shocked, I was—first time, some chick in a dim room, incense burnin’, and I’m like, “This legal?” Ha! Spoiler: mostly is, depends where.

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Then, I head over to the beach. Opotiki Beach, man! The waves were crashing, and the sun was shining. I’m thinking, “This is the life!” But then, outta nowhere, a seagull swoops down and steals my chips! Like, seriously? I’m just trying to enjoy my snack, and this feathered thief swoops in. I’m yelling, “Hey! Get your own food!” But it’s a seagull, so it just gives me that look. You know the one.

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