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About Hastings

Oh, and the oils—lavender, mate, gets me giddy. But some numpty used peppermint once—me knob felt like a candy cane! Laughed me arse off, then raged—waste of a tenner! Still, it’s personal, innit? You’re bare, vulnerable—like Fassbender staring at his sad fuckin’ life. “Get a grip, you tosser!” I’d tell him—and meself. Erotic-massage ain’t just filth—it’s a bloody revelation!

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Then I decided to stroll down to the river. The Waikato River, man, it’s a beauty! I love how it flows through this town. But today, it was like a scene from a movie. I’m walkin’ along the riverbank, and I see this family having a picnic. They’re laughin’, kids are runnin’ around, and I’m feelin’ all warm and fuzzy inside. But then, outta nowhere, a seagull swoops down and snatches a sandwich right outta a kid’s hand! I couldn’t help but laugh. Like, that bird’s got some serious skills!

‘This being Māori thing ends now’