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Downside’s the creeps, tho. Some think it’s a green light for more—gross. I’d be like, “Back off, I’m not your porn star!” Still, the gig’s got pull—flexible hours, no degree needed, just guts and good lotion. Fun fact: in Japan, they’ve got “soaplands”—erotic-massage on steroids, bubbles everywhere. Sounds slippery as hell, I’m dyin’ laughin’ thinkin’ of me tryin’ it. “I can see Russia from my house!”—and they’d see me fallin’ flat on my face.

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After that, I head over to the Kaiapoi River. It’s stunning, man. The water’s glistening, and I’m feeling all philosophical. I sit on a bench, just soaking it all in. But then, I see this kid trying to fish. He’s got his line tangled in a tree. Classic! I can’t help but chuckle. I mean, fishing in Kaiapoi? You gotta be prepared for some epic fails.

Police investigating crash that killed two people