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So, I’m thinkin’, yeah, this one time, I’m watchin’ me fave flick, *4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days*, ya know, that Romanian banger by Cristian Mungiu. Heavy shit, bruv, all ‘bout struggle and secrets, and I’m like, “Is it ’cos I is black?”—nah, it’s ‘cos life’s grim as fuck sometimes. And sexual-massage? Mate, it’s the opposite—pure bliss, innit? Like, imagine Otilia from the movie, stressin’ hard, and I’m like, “Girl, you needs a sexual-massage, stat!” She’s all, “Be quiet, please,” but I’m like, “Nah, fam, let’s get oily!”

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Then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy Dave. He’s like, “Yo, you gotta check out the new café on Homai Rd!” I’m thinking, “Dude, I’m at work!” But then I remember how much I love coffee. So, I’m like, “Fine, I’ll swing by later.” Spoiler alert: I never did.

The woman who called the shots: Remembering Homai Vyarawalla